An Eulogy to my departed Son, Cyrus,Cyrus
“The Death of a Child ... ”,
(Cyrus passed away of a lung illness on Thursday, the 28th. of January ... and laid to rest at Taman Makam Jeruk Purut, Kemang, Jakarta, on Friday, 29th. January, 1999 at the young, unfilled age of 25)
Bahasa Indonesia
The Death of A Child ...
Not many people realize that the death of a child is NOT in accordance to God’s NORMAL scheme of things. It is unnatural. God did not mean for a child to go first. A child buries the parent. Not the parent buries the child.
Most people do NOT experience the pain and devastation of the death of a child. And I truly hope, no parent will ever feel the death of their child because they do not deserve it.

The pain and devastation are indescribable ... and single persons – and even parents – will never feel this devastation until they experience losing a child themselves.

If you love your child, the death of your child is more painful than the death of any of your loved ones, including one’s own parents. And because of this devastation, I do not wish this pain even to my enemies.

I have felt the pain of the loss of a Sister; have felt the pain of the death of my Mother, and felt the death of my Father. I know how it feels. I experienced it. It is painful, looking at those old kind folks who bore you; who took care of you; went through all kinds of sacrifices and pains just to look after you for years and years, until one day the child stood on ones own two feet, and then ... there they are, the parents, helpless and lifeless in front of you.

Minou, Cyrus Mother, describes the death of her Father as a deep stab, like a bullet in the heart that pierces the body deeply. The deaths of my Sister, of my Mother and my Father were like Minou’s Father’s death, deep, painful, sad ... Then, the pain and sadness are gone. They remain a fond memory of the good things we did together.

Our deaths as parents would be something like this. Mostly the fond memories of things we did together; and that as parents and as a family, we did what we had to do.

We as parents have become older, and we lived our lives. It is now our Children’s turn to live theirs and hope, as parents, we did most of what we had to do as God had wished us.

When we return to our Creator, it’s okay because we lived our lives ... we have fulfilled our lives.

Cyrus’ death — the death of any child — is the death of an unfulfilled life.

Cyrus 8½ yrsThe pain of a child’s death is not as deep as a bullet inside you, but many, many knife wounds. One knife stab in the heart; another piercing stab next to the first one; a stab in the stomach, another in the back; another stab in the middle of the chest, another in the back, and another in the stomach, and more and more stabs, until there is nothing left of you to stab and pierce. With each knife stab, a little of your life is gone. The promise of things to come is gone. It is deep, painful, and it hurts beyond any words of description.

The longer a child is with his family, the more painful his departure becomes. The death of a child like Cyrus, is even more hurtful because Cyrus was not a baby, an innocent child who could not communicate, like his foto on the left when he was 8. Nor, was he a teenager whose life experiences were not yet mature, whose death as a teenager would be more painful to the parents when he was a baby of 8.

Cyrus 23½ yearsCyrus’ death is even more painful because at the age of 25 we can talk to him; and we can exchange ideas because he is no longer a baby. He can even give us advice and life experiences which his parents never experienced, but he experienced and can describe to us.

He was a young adult of 25, but in our eyes still our baby, because a child no matter his age is still, in the eyes of parents, will always be their baby; a part of us who is separated, independent from us and with a mind of his own, but nevertheless a piece of us.

We looked at him and saw in him an image of ourselves whom we can talk to, share opinions with, and do things which is what life is all about. All the potentials in him in which he showed to us as he matured and that had appeared, are now all gone.

We saw him, saw his mental capabilities, saw his physical attributes as a good looking young man, and was proud of him in spite of his shortcomings and his mistakes. And as parents, we always forgave the mistakes of our child when the child was alive. Now that he is gone, we do not remember his mistakes, but dwell on the mistakes we made to him.

To see him die in front of our eyes, and to feel him die when his hands went limp in his Mother's hands while we were talking and laughing with him, crushed us completely beyond any words of understanding because he is now gone.

Gone, are all the things we as a family could have done together. Gone are the things Cyrus could have done, and the achievements Cyrus could could have made for us as a family, for his Mother, Father, Brother and Sisters, and most of all, for himself.

I will never wish – and again I say it – this pain and devastation to my own enemy, if I have any, because the words “devastation” and “pain” have no meaning ... absolutely no meaning ... until one feels the death of one’s own child.

And while Cyrus’ loved ones that he left behind are aware that he belongs to God, and that God has decided to take him back, the realization that perhaps we, as his parents, did not take enough care of him is a lingering thought that haunts us. It is this thought of perhaps of this failure to God, to Cyrus, and to ourselves, especially the feeling of my failure to him as his Father, that is crushing me.

Visualize if your child left and went to God before he lived his life, like ours did. The visualization of losing a child – and thank God, it is only a visualization – will give any parent a much higher appreciation of the existence of that child ... to be more forgiving to the child, and to appreciate, and to openly love the child even more. Visualizing is good for one’s soul, before – God forbid – it actually happens, as it happened to us.

It will truly make a parent feel that a child is given by God for the parents to take care of, to love above all things in existence, and not to take for granted.

Take good care of your child.

If not ... God will take the child away from you, and you will feel the pain of failure to your child; the failure to yourselves which we are feeling, and the pain of so many stab wounds which continue and continue to hurt, and hurt, until the day we enter our graves.

bar flower
The Death of A Child ...

My eulogy to my departed Son, Cyrus, 
The Death of a Child ...
is an expression of failure to my Son, to my God and to myself as a Father. 

I know he belongs to the Creator
and that he will return to Him someday. 
In my mind, his Creator took him back at the young age of 25, full of potential and still to live his life, 
because I did not pay enough attention to him and therefore I failed him as a father. 

The death of a child is very private because it is the private pain of a family. 
More so because he was an adult of 25, this family's youngest child, whose full potential was never realized. 

All the material wealth, worldly achievements, praise of one's contemporaries, diminish ... mean nothing, and become nothing ... in the face of such a tragedy.


But the grief and the love displayed by many beyond our family — by friends, Cyrus friends who kept a night long vigil by his remains, and others whom we just met, were so overwhelming that perhaps others — especially those who have their own children — would  care to share in our grief, and the grief shown by those who knew him.

More important, they can perhaps learn from this grief and to take care of their child, and God forbid, not to ever one day to ever go through this pain, like we are going through this pain.

I hope this grief will help other young parents, and especially parents who have children, young adults like Cyrus, to realize that their child's existence is a gift which they should not take for granted, and which they should take good care of.
Take good care of your Child.
Show your love to your Child.
Otherwise, his Creator will take him away from you as He has taken ours away from us.


The Miracle at Cyrus' Deathbed


The Miracle at Cyrus Deathbed
... A Letter to Cyrus older Brother, Arto, who lives & assigned as a diplomat at the United Nations in New York 3 days after Cyrus passed away ...

31st. January, 1999
Dear Son,

I know you will be devastated to see your younger brother on his deathbed. Daddy never knew that a child’s departure can cause so much devastation and such pain. The death of one’s child is more painful than the death of any other being, and because it is unnatural. More so because your brother was at the beginning of his life.

Cyrus' last goodbyesAt first,  Daddy was not sure whether it would be a good idea to email this foto of your brother on the left because Daddy didn’t want you as badly hurt the way your Mum and I were hurt. Looking at these fotos brings to life the pain of that reality.

Even now looking at the computer screen of your brother lying there is making tears run down my face. Mummy and I cannot believe, and did not accept, that he is really gone for good. 
But I decided to send you these fotos because a miracle happened. Yes, that’s right. A miracle.

That next day – the day of his burial – Cyrus smiled! Yes, he really smiled, a Mona Lisa subdued smile, and everyone who saw his face the day before (on Thursday, the date of his death), and then his face Friday the next day–18 hours after he passed away–there  was a vast difference! No amount of manipulation from the ustadt priest who bathed him could alter his face because it came from within. His lips curled up, and there was a “smile” in his closed eyes!

Cyrus' smile 18 hours laterMommy and Daddy saw him being bathed by the ustadt and participated in his washing. On that second day of his rest, we symbolically gave him a bath. Mommy washed his hair which she always wanted to do, and Daddy shaved him. We both never had a chance to do these things before he passed away which Cyrus wanted. But there was no smile, or anything different that morning of the second day.  It was after his washing – after he was “holy” (suci) as the ustadt said, that he changed. Look closely at his foto on the left. It was because of this smile that Daddy thought, you must know, painful as it may be. Your brother departed and was happy when he got to the other world that I am sending you these very painful fotos. In his last fotos, he was happy!

It was at this moment when you called Mommy and was talking to her, while the ustadt was preparing his white burial cloth and Daddy watching him, when Daddy realized he was smiling. At first Daddy thought it was his imagination, but then Pak Pardede, our neighbor, who was standing next to me said, “look Pak, he’s smiling.”  Daddy was so excited that Daddy called to your Mom to come and see quickly before his smile faded while she was talking to you, (I don’t know if you remember this when your Mom said she had to go). 

But his smile didn’t fade; it remained. You called at the time when he started smiling, Son. Maybe, it was also because when his older brother called that he smiled. Cyrus also felt that whenever he was in trouble he could count on you to help out – which you had done many times. Daddy is sure Cyrus was telling all of us he is okay and happy there.

When he died, Daddy could not accept his death, tidak rela as they say here. If you grief too much for him, he will have a hard time leaving for the place where he is suppose to go, everyone has been saying. I just could not accept his death. Everyone was trying to comfort Daddy, even your Mommy who was as much in pain as Daddy was. But when Daddy saw the smile on his face the next day, Daddy knew Cyrus somehow had made his dead remains smile.

Cyrus' last known photo 23¾ yrsThis was in Daddy’s mind the miracle! In Daddy’s mind Cyrus is very happy in his new realm. It was during this realization that Daddy accepted his passing away. It was Daddy’s acceptance of his death which everyone said I must give. But as soon as I saw his smile, I said to him, “O.K. Son, I see you are happy in your new dimension. I accept your death. Go to God and go in peace.”  Someone must have snapped the foto above when I was saying those words to him with Mommy and your sister Laila watching in their grief.

The foto on the right was one of the last ones when he was in Tehran and was a foto we used on his coffin. I thought you may want to remember him this way.

Mummy & Daddy

bar flower gif
God said: “I'll lend you my Child ... ”
Cyrus 8½ yrsCyrus 15½ yrsI'll lend you for a little time a child of mine, He said ...

For you to love the while he lives ... and mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two and three,

But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you. And shall his stay be brief ...

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What other world wide web Sites have to say about these Life-Connection Webpages
“ ..I hope you continue your road map.. ”  –  the web's largest site on grandparenting:I looked at your site (it was excellent) ... I hope you continue to design your great site and continue your road map!* Have a good day.”  ... Bryan Butakis *Road map is a reference on real-life experience, the "how-to" of handling the devastation and bereavement of losing one's child, and the psychic and physicalAfter Death Communications” found in several webpages at the site map.
“ ..success stories!”  Living in Indonesia - A site for expats  –  one of the largest web sites for Expats living in the vast and sprawling Indonesian nation, the world's 4th. largest populated nation.. click here for more infoIt's great to have real life examples of all the things we're talking about ... Especially the ‘success stories’ of the kids** of these (mixed) marriages ...Your sites are very interesting and offer valuable insight to many ... good luck with them all!! ... All the best”  ... Danielle Sukarty, Organizing Committee, Living in Indonesia - A site for expats  •  **Laila 35 years the smart Environment & City Planning Engineer  & **Arto 34 years, the Diplomat
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“ ..Everything I wish I could articulate  myself.. ”  I visited (this) webpage and found it to be everything I wish I could articulate myself ... although I know what a heart wrenching task it must have been to put it in words, I am grateful to you for what you have done ... ” Teresa, Arkansas, U.S.A. (a bereaved parent) 
“I've found a shelter in a storm.. ” How amazingly wonderful your site is! My son Karl died on 2/21/01. He was 18. I miss him IMMENSELY! Hugs to you and your beautiful wife. Thank you so much for sharing your hearts. I especially Love seeing photo's of your beautiful son Cyrus. I'm saving your web pages and plan to read EVERY word... It's so wonderful you have such an important and extensive site for human beings in such pain and need. Know that today, thank's be to God and You, I've found a shelter in a storm. GOD BLESS YOU & YOUR WIFE AND DEAR CYRUS!!!”  Colleen McCurdy, 25 Mar. ’01 |
What other folks had to say... | The Do's and Don'ts in facing bereaved parents–from the bereaved's perspectives|| After-Death Communications is Real – The Miracle of the Fan | “Our Son in the other dimension”
What a Dad had to say ...
“ brought tears in my eyes.. ” I am so sorry about the loss of your son Cyrus. I have read the story that you wrote in the page. I cannot imagine the trauma that you and your wife had to go thru, it brought tears in my eyes at the middle of the story what you must have gone thru. How sad it must had been. We too had our sorrows and had to go thru the valley of the unknown hurts of life... Gustaaf Vogelsang 8 August, 2001
What a bereaved Mom & Dad have to say ...
“ ..losing a child is far more devastating.. ” Losing an offspring like our 25 year old, Cyrus, is a devastation NO parent will ever know, unless ONE EXPERIENCES it. It is far more devastating than losing one's own parents and brothers and sisters – which we had experienced and had gone through several times. More so when this child was a living doll, then no longer a child, became an adult and then a friend, a trusted buddy who can instead give advice, and whom we can share experiences with . On Jan. 28, 1999 when he passed away, and 2½ years later on Aug. 7th. 2001, our voices still break up and tears welled up in his mother's eyes , when a friend who did not know Cyrus was no longer with us, asked “...and how is Cyrus..?” || The Do's and Don'ts in facing bereaved parents – from the bereaved's perspectives
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