suryo@suryo.net

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The writer is a Member of

and a former English language journalist & editor with the AFP French National News Agency & Antara Indonesian national News Agencies in London, Paris, & Koln in the mid-'60s

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Related Web Pages

An Eulogy to a departed Son
Eulogy in Bahasa Indonesia
God said: "I'll lend you my Child..."
A Friend: Tell me about Cyrus
Friends: My Heart Breaks for you
Our Son in the other Dimension
The Do's and Don'ts In Facing Bereaved Parents Published List on After-Life, Near Death Experiences & After-Death Communications
In memory of Cyrus' 1st. Anniversary in the Other Dimension - A Music webpage
After-Death Communications is Real
-26 Aug., 1999
A Prayer for our Son & all other departed children

How To Handle Bereaved Parents See also A Road Map for the Bereaved - Our Son in the Other Dimension

It is difficult enough when one tries to express ordinary feelings under normal circumstances. Worse when one is in grief. This is our story, of bereaved parents in their late ‘50s who are seeking answers to why a young person has to pass away when his future was just ahead of him – and is from the perspective of those who went through it.

Those who have never lost their child, will never know what we are talking about ... and hope, truly hope, that parents will never go through the devastation of losing their child. 

Loosing a child  is not the same as loosing one’s father, mother or even sibling.

Loosing a newborn baby is bad enough. It becomes worse when he/she becomes older like a living doll. And truly devastating when one’s child is old enough to communicate with us as equals and we can learn from our child because that child has become our friend, like our 25 year-old son has become our buddy. 

Like the typical family couple, we never dreamt we could go through this grief. Such deep devastation was the remotest thing from our lives. This only happens to other people, we thought. 

All we thought was going on trips and vacations, to buy new things, what mall to go to next time, and so on – all the activities of the typical family.

Morbid? No, don't take your loved ones for granted ...

Well, we now know different. We now know grief can hit us at any time – that a loved one can say “See you later ...” one day and this will be the last time you will ever see this loved one because unknown to all, this loved one met with a fatal accident. 

Morbid? Isn't this a familiar story of thousands of people?  Yes. And don't think we like to dwell on morbid things. We don't. But this is the reality of life as we discovered ... and was forced upon us. 

So, what is then the conclusion, what is the point of this webpage? Why dwell on things which people rather forget and not face up to it? 

To begin with if and when it hits you (and I truly hope you will never have to deal with it), you will be mentally ready with a kind of  “road map”. This is what this web page means to convey ... a road map of what to expect.

One, do not take your loved ones for granted, and imagine what if you will never see him/her again. 

Two, treat your loved ones with the love and consideration you would if something like the above happens. 

I was guilty of ‘one’ and ‘two’ and am still regretting it. And the worst personal hell is the hell of self regret of  “if only I did this ...”, and “if only I didn't do that ...” because no one can comfort you except yourself.

Shock, denial, grief and then acceptance of passing away are stages we all go through when a loved one passes away. The bereaved goes through these 4 stages–some going through it in 1 year, some as long as 15 years, and some never complete these 4 stages of grief. 

First, there is the shock – the disbelief – that your loved one is gone. Then there is the denial. If your loved one is young, or we just saw and talked to him/her yesterday, there is denial – “no.. no.. it’s impossible .. No way..” Even if the person had been sick for awhile, there is still this denial. 

Once it really sinks in, then comes the grief. It is a gradual process. One day it’s disbelief, in the evening it’s acceptance, back again to disblief, somewhat like a roller coaster ride with that helpless “grip that lifeline feeling” deep in the pit of our stomach. There is continual contradictions within ourselves. Then there is a touch of grief in facing the reality of seeing the mourners, the casket.. It’s difficult to describe..

When we lose our parents or siblings although painful, we feel deep down inside we have to get on with our lives. And know somewhere deep down that those who left us, want us to get on with our lives. But when our offspring leaves us, s/he is our life. What then is the point of living any longer..? 

When a parent loses a child, the denial and grief is much longer, some parents going through it in 1 year, some in 5, some through 15 years of sadness – of the bereaved’s voice breaking when talking about the departed child, with some this grief literaly killing them because of the stress from it that result in cancer and other diseases that were just waiting in the wings to kill you when one goes through some devastation.

If one griefs for one’s parent after 5 years (with tears, voice breaking), I truly hope this person will never feel how it would be to grieve for one’s child. Their grief would truly, and literally, snuff out their life without going through the process of some illness.

Acceptance? Some will accept it, and will even say it out loud to spouse, family and friends. But in their hearts of hearts, a child’s departure will never be accepted. It is a devastation and grief that no parent will ever understand – irrespective of the descriptions and explanations whoever may give – unless one experiences it themselves.

“I know how you feel ...”  is a phrase we frequently hear from persons who have never lost one’s offspring, but referencing the loss of one’s friend or even one’s parents. It is not the same. Those who have said those words to us do not realize the impact of their words.

And never say, “I know how it feels ...” when one has never lost one’s child.

How do we know? I lost both my parents and a younger sister. And recently on February, 2000, my younger 51-year old brother who left us 1 year and a week after the first anniversary of our child’s departure on January 1999. 

And this does not include losing maternal and paternal grandparents, first cousins, second cousins, and children of first cousins including one who was stabbed in front of her 12 year old daughter and 5 year old son in a crowded shopping mall on Batam Island, a half-hour ferry ride from Singapore. And of friends and business associates who passed away of cancer, accidents and illnesses, including all kinds of beloved pets who revolved around our lives. So I know how it feels to loose one’s close ones who were important in our lives. 

It's Deeper & More Intense

Minou, Cyrus’ Mother, describes the death of her Father as a deep stab, like a bullet in the heart that pierces the body deeply. The deaths of my Sister, of my Mother and my Father were like Minou’s Father’s death, deep, painful, sad ... I didn’t even shed a tear when my younger 51-year old brother passed away a few weeks ago. Then, the pain and sadness are gone. When we think about them 3,  6 months, a year, 10 years later, we usually do not break up and cry. They remain a fond memory of the good things we did together.

Loosing one’s child is deeper and more intense. In fact, the pain is so deep to the core and all encompassing that one would never wish the worst to another human being – to one’s own enemy, if one had any. One cannot even describe the pain. And when we think about this child – and to an extent, it also depends on the age of the child, as the older s/he is, the more painful it becomes – months or years later, parents still break up and cry. Perhaps no longer in public or in front of friends because as time passes by, one learns to control one’s self. But break up and cry?  Yes.  It is, therefore, nowhere close in comparison to the deaths of other loved ones. 

The pain of a child’s death is not as deep as that bullet inside you – but many, many knife wounds. One knife stab in the heart; another piercing stab next to the first one; a stab in the stomach, another in the back; another stab in the middle of the chest, another in the back, and another in the stomach, and more and more stabs, until there is nothing left of you to stab and pierce. With each knife stab, a little of your life is gone. Deep inside or not, each stab hurts. It is excruciating; it makes you loose your breath, your voice breaks up when talking in front of friends, or even strangers before you realize that your voice is breaking. The promise of things to come is gone. It is deep, painful, and it hurts beyond any words of description.

When we first heard of parents having lost their child, we imagined how it feels. But when the time came for our turn, what we imagined does not even come close to what we thought! One cannot imagine what bereaved parents feel, and should not even try to imagine. We tried, but it was vastly different than what we thought when we went through it.

It is akin to everyone knowing how it would feel when one burns his hands on a gas stove. But when we actually burn our hands on that fire, the experience is quite different, and much more painful, than what we imagine. This is the best way I can describe what we and other bereaved parents feel.

Cyrus, our youngest Son, 25, passed away on Thursday, 28th. of January, 1999 ... and laid to rest at Taman Makam Jeruk Purut, Kavling 28 Blok II, Kemang, Jakarta, Indonesia, on Friday, 29th. January, 1999,  2 months and 19 days after his 25th. birthday. 

Is our Loved One Okay?

The number ONE thought that passes through the bereaved’s minds the moment a loved one is gone are these thoughts: is the Departed One okay? Did he/she suffer during this transition, and third, is he/she happy in their new dimension? These thoughts are (left animation, Cyrus ages 15, 8.5 & 23 years) assurances which we as the ones left behind need to know. Once we are convinced that these are answered, the pain is lessened because we care what happens to them – and we can then continue with out lives even though there is a big gap, something missing in our lives. 

These answers whether they’re okay though, do not come right away ... if ever. 

Thoughts like “Is there really a soul? ... Is there anything else after this ...? Cyrus is gone, and that's it... ” does not even enter our minds because out of some 6 billion human beings, the majority of them believe in the afterlife, have verified and had proven existence of their various forms of afterlife through their different religions through thousands of years of their religious existence, and I am not even going to waste time debating with those who do not use their intelligence to analyze and look beyond what is written in the different Holy Books. Common ordinary things like: why is it that out of three children in a family born from the same parents their characters, their likes and dislikes can be so far apart from the moment they can articulate themselves? And yet they were born with the same parents, and in the same environment? There must be something else beyond what we can see and feel with our 5 physical senses?

How should the bereaved handle his/her bereavement ? Be convinced of certain things, as this web page tries to convey. Believe personal things that happen, as described in our other pages one year later:

...  And that during this one year period, Cyrus conveyed to us he is still very much alive. He first communicates to us by smiling his ‘Mona Lisa smile’ 18 hours after his passing away; 
 –  months later by turning on his ceiling fan when we wanted a sign from him – whether there is really an after-life, and that he is really OK 
 – Later on by forcibly switching on his air conditioning compressor for his room for over half a year 24 hours a day non-stop – with all switches in the indoor unit in the ‘off ’ position, obliging  us to leave his bedroom door open to let the cool air out – just like when he was still alive – and telling us in effect ...‘Don’t shut me out’... neutralizing any thoughts of turning it off through the fuse which would then turn off the fax, the upstairs fridge, and a bunch of lights and electric sockets, ... and over 6 months later when I told the staff to clean the indoor unit and said to them “Okay, turn the fuse off”, the moment those words were said, the air conditioning compressor shut itself off -- making all four of us present (me and my 3 staff) look at each other in amazement – prompting a comment from one of them “Cyrus shut it off for us ..”; and thereafter 40 minutes later, it worked normally; 
 –  then making a GE light bulb shatter in the presence of his older brother, Arto, and half a dozen of his friends (knowing very well that light bulb makers do not allow their light bulbs to explode by itself and scatter glass all over the place), in other words telling Arto’s and Cyrus’ beer drinking friends aware that there is a participant who is no longer around...‘Hey, Iam here, too, you know...’;
–  and then through dreams – some of them very vivid and so real – so much so that his Mom  felt hugging his physical body, 
 – and his Grand Mom in Tehran really thought he was there speaking Persian to her... 
 –  I felt the mattress move when he sat at the edge of my bed to tell me who stole my U.S. university ring ...
 – and through many other physical phenomena that do not make sense, like the impossible appearance of the one-legged grasshopper in our bedroom that was days before in Cyrus’ grave site, and were not likely to happen if  he had not made them happen ... and the insights of his world he conveyed to his Mom filling her with new knowledge.

 – We feel his presence many times, the last time late Sunday night, January 30th., 2000, while driving to Jogjakarta, Central Java, 700 km (417 miles) from Jakarta when I felt him there with us and in my mind I asked him, “Where are you going to sit?” (his Mom occupied all the middle seats asleep, I was in the front with the driver who was driving the Kijang MPV estate wagon). His reply, “Don't worry about me,”  forcing me to turn around seeing his Mom asleep occupying the seats, and look towards the rear saddle seats in the back where our bags were and visualizing him sitting there, both his elbows on his Mom’s seat, smiling his kind of “Hi Dad” smile. 

Although his presence was very strong and made me look back – the kind of feeling when you see someone sitting in front of you, you close your eyes, seeing him in your mind but when you open your eyes again, he is no longer there – I realized later that it was not my imagination after-all when the next night in our hotel room watching a late night near-death-experience film (yes, a NDE film from Warner Bros) she was quietly sobbing. “What’s the matter honey? Cyrus...?” And she nodded: “When Anggie (the driver) was driving last night I felt Cyrus was with us. I asked him ‘Where are you going to sit darling ...’ and he said ‘Don’t worry about me Mom ... I’ll sit in the back’.
I miss him so ...”

It was then that I told her that 24 hours earlier ...” please click here to continue

Feelings are not measurable

Do not expect a so-called “scientific measurement” of what is described here as “proof” because man’s sciences are not advanced–and will never be. Just as millions have seen color TVs and hear stereophonic sounds and haven’t got the foggiest notion how it works, so too have millions experienced what is described herein and do not need so-called science to explain what they experienced. Please click here why science and ‘scientific skeptics’ will never be able to explain feelings and the subjectveness of soul-to-human(with a soul) communications.

After the question is the departed okay, comes another: Why? What did we do wrong? What sins had we committed? Did we deserve this pain? If we did not do anything wrong to deserve this, then God let us down. 

Did we fail him our beloved, or Him? The answers? None of these. God did not let anyone down, nor had we committed sins that deserve this pain. As Cyrus’ father I felt I could have done a better job of being a parent, and his loss – in my mind – did reflect my failure to him. 

But what we went through – and others before and after us – is apparently “pre-ordained” when we understand that our presence on this earth dimension is a learning “going to school” process, a process that we agreed to before we entered this earth dimension. 

It is just like when one enters French or English classes one already agreed to learn this language ... and go through with all the difficulties associated with these classes. 

Learning New Experiences – Why?

But Why? Why bother with learning anything new? Why bother learning about new experiences ... sad or happy?

And especially why should anyone go through the devastation of experiencing the death of a loved one – a child especially, who should instead bury us, not us bury him?

What we have come to learn and experience is as diverse and unique as there are the number of humans on this planet. There is no right or wrong about our own unique experiences as each one of us have come to learn something unique about ourselves. The key word here is “OURSELVES”.

These are analyzed below because there lies a “larger perspective of reality” in terms of this earth, versus the spiritual dimensions. This “reality” as we discovered is our entering a “temporary reality” in a  physically dense dimension which is our earth, comparable to our acting out a part on a Broadway stage for a two-hour period, and then returning home after the play is over – returning to our original dimension or heaven, where our earth’s 75 years “temporary reality” (our two-hour temporary “stage life”) is meaningless compared to our true eternal life span.

Why is this reality temporary?  Because in this dimension, nothing is forever ... not one’s life, not a rock in the Grand Canyon, nor even whole countries. All things change, and this is a fact.

Viewed from the perspective that we all have come here for a learning purpose – be it to become a one-legged blind beggar, or become a nation’s president – so that as a soul we can become more “perfect”, we then realize that whatever role we play, it is temporary – a mere “few seconds” in our eternal life span. But xx-number of years in human life terms. 

We then also realize that like wearing a Broadway costume, it then becomes irrelevant whether we are dressed in black, white, brown or yellow skin because it is only a “costume” in eternal value terms. 

In the next round of plays ... of other lifetimes and experiences ... we can always become something else with a different skin color and be a blind beggar, or a president of a nation. Hence, when the Creator says “we are equal in His eyes” (as stated in all the major holy books) He is in viewing us as eternal beings, not our temporal and learning phase being (not as a Broadway stage actor/actress). 

Realizing that there is a larger perspective than what we can see with our limited 5 physical senses, does comfort us. It is comforting because there is hope.

Knowledge Is A Lifeline

We as Cyrus’ parents are not spiritualists, or have any advanced knowledge of spiritualism. Or philosophists... just ordinary people with ordinary thoughts and ordinary goals no different than the next person. But we were forced to learn about the “other dimension”, and have learnt to have a better understanding about what life is about after he passed away, just as a cancer sufferer and his/her family through no desire of their own were forced to learn about cancer, or any other disease, and the medication to lessen the pain when a loved one goes through it. 

When we are in pain, we have a tendency to dwell deeper into the things that give us pain like Cyrus’ passing is giving us pain. The bereaved’s medication is knowledge and experience about this pain, primarily to lessen pain. The knowledge of why certain things happen helps to lessen pain, like the knowledge how medication attacks the disease gives us the confidence that we will (or should) be cured.

Gaining this knowledge in turn make us more aware of what life and its purpose are all about. This make us better souls:  this knowledge “forced” us to be more understanding, to be more tolerant, even more forgiving and more loving ... to be more perfect so that we can rejoin our God (our Universal Intelligence, or whatever the different religions and societies call it) as ‘more perfect’ souls.

But why bother to rejoin our Maker? 

Because to be with our Maker is akin to be “home” or “to be with love” (others say to be with God), a place where we feel safe ... safe from emotional or physical hurt. Where we are accepted ... with all our shortcomings and forgiven for our sins; to be where we want to be, with the person we want to be with, and be unhappy if the person(s) (or place, or pet) is not there, and then finally to be ourselves. This is what it is to be with love, not the sexual physical type of emotion.

While the deaths of a loved one is painful regardless of who he or she is, the death of one’s own child beats them all in pain and devastation. The death of a child is different than the death of a parent–call it different “degrees” of deaths. Without being morbid, parents (like ourselves as parents and grandparents) have lived our lives. In our heart of hearts our deaths as elders nearing our ‘60s are ‘expected’ ... but never the deaths of our children

Our Child’s Death Taught Us An Experience

Without meaning to split hairs, a child’s death regardless of age and whether son or daughter (and parents could loose more than one child – and even loose a spouse at the same time), had Cyrus had passed away when he was a baby, the pain (figuratively speaking) was at a given level. If he passed away at the age of 5 the pain was 5 times that level; when he was a teenager it is multiplied even more by his age and our experiences with him because we can really talk to and talk with him. 

At the age of 25 as a young adult, the feeling of regret, devastation and all the words expressing pain in the dictionary cannot do justice to the pain that parents feel because it is no longer the passing away of a child, or the memories when he/she was hug able and squeezable like a doll (because they were, for a time, living dolls). But the loss of the interaction with parents (experiences and even advice a grown child by then can give to his parents), interaction with his siblings, his friends and his “society” which he/she created and developed over the years – like the society pop star singer Ricky Martin (who’s 1 year older than Cyrus) developed over the years. 

We not only lost a son, but also a friend, someone we can converse with straight out, no holds barred, get angry with without feelings of rancour, talk about sensitive subjects and different concepts as varied and as wide as this world makes it. We laugh and we cry because none of us are perfect and we always forgive each other. Not only that, looking at one’s child we see the physical characteristics and the character of ourselves in that child. A child is literally a “piece” of ourselves. In short, it is very hard to see him go, more so when he should bury us. Not the other way round.

The pain and hopelessness are such that as his parents we thought about taking our own lives (which was apparently a normal reaction, but were not aware of it at the time); that whatever achievements we had made in this world be it material wealth or fame, means nothing. Our feelings were confirmed by all other bereaved parents, in person, in publications, by psychiatrists. 

What did all this hurt and pain teach us? There is more to this world than what we see and feel with our 5 physical senses.

This web page tries to describe how we are still recovering from our pain. 

From our experiences we try to articulate them as best as possible for other bereaved ones to follow as a guideline of what to expect – from ourselves as the bereaved, from friends who try their best to understand but do not realize the depth of our mental pain ... and from society in general because it is not easy to articulate hurt and convey painful experiences in words, or to put it down in writing, and to make those who have not experienced it understand the depth of pain. And that most of the reactions... even the thoughts of taking our own lives are “normal”. This is what we experienced. 

This is what bereaved acquaintances and friends, rich and poor tell us; and this is what tens of thousands of bereaved parents say in publications (click this list of publications), and as reported by psychiatrists, and recently in an email to us by many bereaved parents, one of them who wrote:

“ ... I visited (this) webpage and found it to be everything I wish I could articulate myself.  It is amazing how bereaved parents seem to all feel and think the same and although I know what a heart wrenching task it must have been to put it in words, I am grateful to you for what you have done ... ”

Teresa, Arkansas, U.S.A. (a bereaved parent)

Bereaved parents are “ill”, something which friends do not realize. They are mentally ill because of deep psychic and mental injury. This injury is so much pain that the sufferer prefers to end her life to make the pain go away. 

To prevent this the bereaved needs the help of  friends – specifically mental support – if not from them then from psychiatrists and psychologists because they are facing a trauma. 

Talking about it is a healing process ...

The only way to soothe and lessen this trauma is for the bereaved to talk about it because it releases very painful pent up emotions and feelings of hopelessness, just like the patient who goes to a psychiatrist to “talk” about his problem. But few psychiatrist patients sob their way through their sessions. And bereaved parents do go to psychiatrists to heal their mental injury. Some parents even need medical attention, not just for a few weeks but years later just so they won’t hurt themselves as other bereaved parents tell us. 

A friend who is a true – and more important understanding – friend will be aware – or at least try to realize – what this traumatized friend is facing: the greatest mental injury that a human being could ever face, and will listen to the bereaved parents although the subject may bore them to death. But then, what are friends for if not to listen to “boring” stories of the death of their child which only happens once in a lifetime? Unless one wants to know how it really feels? No, I wouldn’t have the heart to let even my enemy know how it actually feels. 

If you are a parent, there is a vast difference between being an observer imagining how it would be if your own son or daughter left (listening to a bereaved friend like our friends are listening to our grief) ... versus the stark reality of actually going through the experience. This too, is described from our perspective when we were once observers like our friends who are witnessing our grief now, and then when we – on January 28th., 1999 – went through it when Cyrus left us, and on the 29th. of January when we had to bury him.

Indeed, we now realize from our experience – and by being told by other bereaved parents who lost their child 2, 5 and even 15 years ago, and now experiencing it ourselves – that bereaved parents like us should not expect other parents to understand, unless they go through the experience. 

Nothing but actual experience will bring home the message ... nothing but actual experience will bring home any understanding of this grief. It may be small potatoes for the observer (like we were once); but a deep and painful psychic injury that will last a lifetime when one goes through it! 

So if you love your friend and care for her/him, please think about the things given as advice herein because it really matters to them. Otherwise, bereaved parents will seek new friends and these are those who share a common painful bond; hence, the formation of thousands of bereavement groups. They are formed because only others with a like experience can understand each other and then help each other out. And the existence of bereavement groups is a fact. But non-bereaving parents can replace a bereavement group by following a few pointers here given by us who went through it.

If you are not a parent, then you will never have any idea, or any inkling of how it feels. It is pointless to describe it, just as it is pointless to describe to a man the physical pain a mother goes through when giving birth to her child. The pointers given here will give you an idea of what one should, or should not say or do – just for the sake of your friend.

The Yardstick on losing a Child ...

To give this deep psychic and mental injury its proper perspective and reality of what bereaved parents face, this “yardstick” faced by them are: you are willing to give up all, and everything you have worked for all your life – be it 5 years or 50 years – all your worldly possession (whether you are a pauper or billionaire), or your professional skills (as the world’s renowned singer or painter or physician, or whatever you are), and even your life – for your “child”. 

But all these – giving up this and giving up that – are but mere words as the impact of what is described here cannot be fully comprehended – even by parents who consider their child as the most precious thing in their lives – unless one experience it themselves.

Of the “types” of deaths, the loss of a child is the worst of all bereavement ... from our own own experiences of losing a mother, father and sister; from the experience of others we know personally; and from the experiences as recounted in bereavement groups, and by psychiatrists and psychologists who specialize in this trauma.

While the figure of speech “child” is used, this term also applies to any one who fulfills this “child” criteria (as not all parents love their offspring, nor do all people have children): any person, brother, sister, husband, wife, aunt, uncle or any unrelated person like a friend or someone else’s child where he/she fulfills the yardstick where you are willing to sacrifice and  to give all above. 

If you feel this way towards another person, (and be honest with your conscience and your heart of hearts when you are asking yourself this as no one else will know. But you will have no second thoughts of sacrificing yourself, and will certainly have no thoughts of: ... well, maybe..., or let me think about it ... if this happens to the one I care for), then this person fulfills the “child” criteria. 

If you have no one you care for that you are willing to sacrifice yourself for, then you will not understand what we are talking about. 

If you don’t now, perhaps one day you may care enough for someone else where you would be willing to give your all. That feeling of caring to give one's life for – once one experiences it, is an eye opener.

One ... Don’t talk too much, or contribute opinions

When facing a bereaved friend, do hug the person. The hug tells all. Perhaps even the words “there’s nothing I can say...” because in actual fact, there is nothing one can say. 

Do say a few words of sympathy if you must, especially words like “you must believe that he/she is with God now and is happy.”  If the bereaved seeks assurance, just say, “Yes, believe it!” Even if you yourself do not believe God exists.

Do not talk too much. Why? Because the bereaved is at an ultra sensitive stage – much more so than any other time in his/her life. A “wrong” word meant to sympathize and soothe may inadvertently have the opposite effect giving instead disappointment, and sometimes even anger at a friend’s word ... disappointment and anger the bereaved does not even know why she feels this because he/she is right in the middle of bereavement and his/her mind is filled with confusion and pain and bewilderment. 

The bereaved is certainly in no mood – and incapable – of analyzing or even articulating why he/she was disappointed or even angry at a friend’s well-meant words of sympathy. Words that really hurt are “I know how it feels ...” , a let-down feeling on hearing the words, but the bereaved not knowing why it feels let down when everyone knows that this person who said it never lost a child.

Two ... don't enforce your beliefs

Do not enforce or restate your pet beliefs – although your friend may even belong to the same religious or belief community. 

At this point of grief, the bereaved feels God has abandoned them, and it is painful to hear words about God while the reality faced by the bereaved is that God has “hurt” them by taking away their loved one. Many religious community leaders are sometimes guilty of this “thoughtlessness”, not realizing the pain the bereaved, especially bereaved parent, is going through.

To those bereaved parents who do not believe there is God, the pain is even much more painful because he/she feels their departed is gone for good. All the convincing in the world, is not going to change their belief, unless they themselves experience a psychic event which only they can experience, and maybe by then they may be convinced there is God and there is an after life.

Three ... Never, never say “I know how it feels ...”

Do NOT say “I know how it feels” when you are facing a bereaving parent and you refer to the death of an uncle, a best friend’s wife...your own parent, or even your own spouse because you do not know how it feels. It’s even unkind to say it. 

Why? Because the death of a child is nowhere close to the bereavement of losing a parent(s) or even a brother or sister, especially if the child has matured, has been living with and is close to you, and is a friend to the parents. 

Deaths of all loved ones are painful, regardless. But if one splits hair, there are “degrees” of pain. The most painful is the death of a child; the second is of a spouse and the third is a parent, and on down the line.

Even though we married when we were youngsters, went through dangerous adventures of on purpose entering communist east Germany, going against the east German intelligence and the Soviet KGB agencies where I ran the risk of arrest and 20 years hard labour in jail, or blown up in the mine fields, or just shot outright while kidnapping a woman scientist out of east Germany and marrying the girl as dramatized in James Bond movies, our 36 years of marriage, and our 37 years of feelings, have not changed much. 

If one of us passed away, there would be a very big gap in one of our lives. But it still would more acceptable to us had one of us passed away, rather than our Cyrus leaving us. Without meaning to be callous, the loss of a spouse can be lessened by remarrying. And many people remarry. 40% of marriages in the U.S. end up in divorces anyway, according to some recent statistics, and very probably similar statistics apply in Indonesia, the world’s 4th. largest populated nation after China, India and the U.S. But one cannot obtain “another” offspring, short of adopting one. But it is not the same thing, but I won’t dwell on that ... 

Besides, parents – especially those of our ages nearing our 60s – are supposed to have done his/her job (and I think we have) and there is really no point in hanging around any longer.

Your safest criteria when you want to say “I know how it feels” is when you yourself have lost your own child. Or your friend has lost his parent and you yourself have lost a parent. 

Otherwise, do not say it because in expressing it, the bereaved parent feels (without realizing it at the time) you are “diminishing” the significance of losing her child, while the parent feeling this devastation feels it is the greatest loss anyone could feel–especially when that bereaving parent already knows how it feels loosing a parent and other close loved ones. 

With this perspective in mind naturally your bereaved friend becomes upset. You alienate your friend. At the very least your bereaving friend will feel disappointed in you, perhaps even angry. And 9 out of 10 your friend will not show this disappointment or anger. 

Your bereaved friend may not understand why he/she feels some disappointment or even anger. She will probably not say anythingbecause the hurt of a child’s death is piled by another hurt, the latter by a friend no less. And even though she may not react, do not think that a bereaved friend is not hurting by words you may say, innocent (from your perspective) as they may seem under normal circumstances. It is very difficult to describe or convey this in words unless you experienced this yourself ... just as both of us experienced it. 

 We have never shown our anger to friends on hearing these words from them because we don't want to offend, realizing they do not understand. But privately when we are alone one of us fume with anger to the other, on hearing what one of us consider as callous. But as time goes by and we crystallize our feelings, there would be a time when if and when we hear such a “we know how it feels”  I would very probably say, “Don't comment unless you experience.”

None of those who lost their child has ever said to us “I know how it feels”, although they are the ones who have the right to say it.
 

* Cyrus passed away on the 29th. of January 1999. The family is mourning his passing away* Click the banner and see what God says about our children ...

Four ... never say “I am fed up hearing ... ”

You can be the best of friends and be in lovey-dovey terms, or as best friends have a name-calling relationship, even hit each other  below the belt figuratively speaking telling her she’s fat, or make fun of his bald head – whatever. 

But you never say to a friend who lost a child you are “beating the subject to death”, or other similar words, meaning ‘I am fed up hearing your boring stories’. Or, even repeat this to other mutual friends behind a bereaved parent’s back. One, it is unkind to say it; two, one never knows whether one day you yourself will experience this, and realize for yourself that even for you it is not a “boring” story. 

The subject “death of a child” cannot be beaten to death as bereaved parents will talk about the hurt of their child’s death for years afterwards. This is recounted by thousands of stories that are published; of mothers who lost their offspring and still talk with their voice breaking and tears in their eyes 15 years later, and of fathers who 10 years later still cry for their sons or daughters; of an 85 year old mother who lost a 62-year old son (and grandfather) who felt as if she lost a young man of 25; of the thousands of  parent bereavement groups set up all over the world whose group lifespan are in years not months, demonstrating their grief lasts for years that some outsiders may feel these people are feeling sorry for themselves. And of the hundreds of books written by all kinds of people on child bereavement. 

The bereaved, more so the bereaved parent, will never forget the event and their mental injury will remain for as long as they have any capability to remember.

Five ... do not say you miss your child who is alive

Do not say “I miss so-and-so since he/she left for college” (or has gone away for some other place) in front of bereaving/bereaved parents, especially in referencing how much you miss your child when a bereaved parent is talking about her son/daughter who passed away. For the bereaved it is a slap in the face to hear it. 

It is inconsiderate for the person to say it because he/she is living on the other side of the world and is alive, and the parents can phone at any time and even visit whenever they want. This is what Minou, Cyrus’ mom, sitting at a family gathering experienced with someone who is close to her who said she, too, missed her son in college. Minou very hurt reprimanded the person by saying “How about me? How can I phone him? How can I visit him?” who then all kept quiet  for being inconsiderate in front of her. 

It’s just safer and kinder not to say anything in front of a bereaved parent about missing your child whom you can always phone or visit this child.

Six ... if the child was ill

If the child was ill (like Cyrus was) and seemed not to have the will to live, do not say “He seemed to have no will to live anymore ...” or some similar words, innocent as it may seem. 

First, although it may be factually true – and even though everybody can see it – but the non-parent has no right to utter an opinion or to dwell on something which the parents may already be aware of which is not your business to utter.

Second, you are slamming the truth into the face of a bereaving parent. For the bereaved it is like saying “I told you so ...” even though you do not mean it that way. It is also unkind to say it when they are suffering the consequences of whatever truth there existed.

Third, bereaved parents – more than anyone else – is aware of the truth than anyone on what is going on. Besides, an observer does not have all the relevant facts, and may have a tendency to misinterpret what actually took place. 

Fourth, you may even had a say in disciplining the child when he/she was alive, but when he/she is no longer there, do not say anything to his/her parents about things you may have said as a matter of routine (for example, “you are naughty”) when he/she was alive. Always remember a bereaved’s mentality is at an ultra sensitive phase – and will be at a sensitive level for years to come, and to hear such seemingly innocent statements in day-to-day conversations won’t faze them ordinarily, but may hurt them terribly after their child’s death.

Therefore our advice as bereaving parents to non-bereaving friends:  don’t talk too much. One has no idea what bereaving/ bereaved parents are going through. They have been mentally injured, and it is just safer not to say anything, except “he/she is with God”, even if you yourself do not believe God exists.

Seven ... years later

Do not believe for one moment that when a bereaved parent months or years later tell you that they have gotten over it and that “they are now ‘O.K.’ and leading normal lives” that this is the truth. Naturally they are leading “normal” lives because they do not have any choice!

No, the truth is far from that. The truth is tears are thereafter confined in the privacy of the bereaved’s bedroom, away from the eyes of people who think they are over it. Many bereaved are considerate and they rather avoid talking about their dead child and do not want their friends to know that they are still hurting ... even years later, in spite of the fact that they sometimes talk about their child in front of friends as an unconscious form of therapy. 

Always remember when a bereaved parent sometimes talk about their departed child, it is unconsciously a form of therapy to themselves–although they may not be aware of it themselves. A good friend will always be kind enough to allow this bereaved talk themselves out of it.

Why do bereaved parents avoid talking about their departed child, if they can help it?

One, talking about their departed will bring hurtful memories and tears even though they may be sweet and memorable ones. 

Two, they avoid talking about it – it is easier just to say, “we're okay”, or even “we're back to normal” or some words to that effect – rather than go through a long-winded story which the listener won’t understand anyway and may even find “boring” because it was probably repeated many times before, and because the listener does not comprehend the depth of psychic injury involved.

Therefore, when a bereaved parent talks about her departed child again and again it is not that she likes to boast about her grief, or is asking for people to feel sorry for them. But sometimes the hurt is such that the hurt has to spill out somehow that they cannot help but talk about their departed child. Besides, as said above, it is also an unconscious part of the healing process.

Three, even between bereaving parents – like ourselves – we find that a mother may be thinking about a particular event in the child’s life, while the father may be thinking of the same thing without the other being aware of it. They do not want to utter these words to each other, because voicing it brings tears. But sometimes tears come anyway, and when one of these parents ask why the tears (“Is it Cyrus?”), the other responds by recounting the event which the other parent was also thinking about. 

This has happened many times between ourselves. So, if between bereaving parents they sometimes do not voice their pain, one can be sure there is much greater tendency not to talk about this grief outside the family. An example of this is recounted here...

When between parents they feel and talk about their pain, they reassure each other that their child is okay and, again, it is a kind of self-healing process between themselves.

This is what other bereaved parents tell us to another bereaved parent, and this is what we experience ... Minou coming in from a luncheon outside, or having a dozen of her friends over, she laughing and joking and as far as appearances are concerned everything is just fine – not a care in the world, and when they are all gone she enters the privacy of her bedroom and sobs her eyes out .... not just once in awhile, but everyday of the week. And not just once a day, but several times a day ... when she was in Tehran; when she was on a plane on the way to Dubai 2 months later after he passed away; then 4 - 6 months later when she was hugging her grandsons in New York who reminded her of her departed Cyrus when he was still a little boy – tears even in the middle of crowded Manhattan, N.Y. where there are a lot of distractions and dozens of people around her; or when she was walking alone in a forest in Forest Hills (Queens) New York when she felt Cyrus’ presence walking with her. 

Being away from home in Dubai, in Tehran, in London, New York Washington, D.C.  “to get away from it all” does not bring joy, happiness, or a great time – unlike when our circumstances were “normal” and we were “whole”. The same old sadness, and tears, are there ... except the sceneries are different.

Eight ... if a bereaved sees another child resembling hers 

If a bereaved parent sees someone’s daughter or son whose physical appearance or characteristics are like her dead son/daughter, the bereaved mother will have tears in her eyes. And if this mother wants to hug this boy/girl, let her because she is expressing the terrible loneliness of losing her offspring. Try to explain to the child in an aside why she is hugging this child so hard and has tears in her eyes. The child, as we experienced, understands.

If your bereaved friends 5 and even 10 years later talk about her/his lost child,  just listen. If tears glisten in her/his eyes, just hug them. If you need to say something, just say “he/she is with God and is happy there.” Don’t say anything else. Do not contribute any opinions, innocent as they may seem, even if what you want to say is the truth. 

Especially do not say “you’ll get over it” because they will never get over it. You are not an authority on the matter – in fact neither are psychiatrists or psychologists who handle parent bereavement – unless you, or they experience it. 

Your bereaved friend may even retort “maybe you should feel what I feel” because by then the bereaved parent may have an ability to articulate herself better, and as a friend you wouldn’t want someone – 5 or 10 years later – to tell you you should feel the experience. The bereaved parents will say this if you hurt them enough, (or forget you as a friend because there are lesser pains between people that break a friendship) even though your words, in your mind, seemed to be innocent. 

Be kind to bereaving/bereaved parents. Be considerate, and always remember what they are facing, and will be facing, a years-long trauma which they will never forget. It’s something no one would want to experience, just as no one would want to give up all their life’s work, or even their life just so as not to experience this pain.

And as bereaved parents we do not any need any more pain, less so from people we consider as friends.

Always remember that a mother’s pain is even greater than a father’s because she bore the child for 9 months; took care, nurtured and nursed her child through all kinds of sicknesses, saw the child over the years being transformed into an adult, become a friend and exchange experiences and, suddenly, she had to witness him/her being buried under 6 feet of earth. 

Hopefully from our experience as bereaved parents we can give some guidelines on how to handle a bereaved friend. And hope other bereaved parents like ourselves and other families from our story below will have faith to assure them that their departed is okay, and to remember and have faith that their life here on earth is temporary because no one - animal or man or plant - is exempt from death, and that on entering death we are re-entering our true reality of eternal life where our departed loved ones are waiting for us. See also the “After Death Communications” we had with Cyrus.

We were “fortunate” in that 75 days after passing away (some may take place 10 years later according to other bereaved) we had one “physical” and at least two dozen “thought” communications with Cyrus. 

One took place on August 25th., 1999, when we just arrived from New York, after a near 27-hour trip, and we asked him for a sign he was okay, and 3 minutes later he gave us that sign. Please click here for that “Miracle of the fan ”event. 

All the ADCs (after-death communications) he conveyed to us, without any doubt, meant:
(1)  life as we know it has not stopped, except that we cannot see him, but we can if... we train ourselves; 
(2)  there is a guardian taking care of him (and other departed children) who has spoken to us and 
(3)  that there is a Heaven. 

Our Experience is not against any religion ...

Our experience is personalized and personalized experiences give life to an otherwise bland and generalized interpretation of what the major religions teach us – that we possess an eternal spirit. 

Our experiences described below with ADCs which has given us hope and meaning in lessening our pain, they do notgo against the established major religions; do not go against God; they are not the work of the “devil”, if one realizes that even the devil is God’s creation, although some of the answers may be misinterpreted by followers of these religions. 

Without meaning to be morbid or “mean”, the ADCs experiences which the bereaved go through can only be experienced when one looses someone they love, especially when this someone is a child and a friend close to you. Therefore, it is not for anyone to ridicule (even in one’s mind) a bereaved’s ADC experiences.

Reaching for a lifeline ...

As a bereaved, we are not concerned whether people will ridicule or make fun of our ADC experiences described herein. ADC phenomena cannot be  “scientifically analyzed” because our scientists are at a “grade school” level compared to the knowledge and natural phenomena available in the universe. 

And we advise other bereaved and bereaved parents to adopt this attitude because you live your life for yourself. Not for others. Especially not for those who do not try to understand that a bereaved is looking for a lifeline to save themselves from the hurt and pain that is drowning them in an ocean of grief during bereavement. 

It has also given hope to us that when it is time for us to go, our departed ones will be waiting for us and guide us to a far more pleasant place where disease and pain do not exist. We are no longer afraid of passing away. In fact, we are looking forward to going home where we actually belong. 

I hope this, and other pages below, will give strength and assurance to those folks who are still left behind and may be thinking of hurting themselves like we once thought about hurting ourselves, and that it has given us strength ... in spite of the anguish.